I spent multiple years wishing there was some way to avoid church on Mother's Day Sunday. Sitting in a back pew trying to hide the tears filling my eyes. Feeling like my heart was shattering with every word spoken about how God has entrusted women with his children, wondering why he hadn't entrusted ME. Was I not good enough to be entrusted with His child that I wanted so deeply? And sometimes I had to simply walk out because I just couldn't do it.
On occasion people would talk about how EVERY woman, child and childless is a mother. I spent years trying to wrap my head around that concept. Feeling like I just WASN'T getting it. Wanting to believe it for some source of comfort, but never believing it in my heart. And I would be lying if I didn't say I still don't fully comprehend the magnitude of that truth.
Today's letter if for my prior, yearning self-- what I wish I had realized in the midst of it allm.
Sweet Girl,
It's okay to hurt today. And it's even okay if you have to hold yourself together for fear of falling apart and never being able to put yourself back together again. It's OKAY. You're traveling a difficult road that God is leading you down. He knows it's hard. He knows it's painful. He knows it seems unfair. But remember, he's only letting you go down this road because he KNOWS it won't break you for good. So, if today you need to cry, go ahead and cry. He'll hold you while you do.
Now, take a deep breath for this one and just hear me out. Happy Mother's Day. To YOU. Yes, to YOU.
You know that yearning? That constant trying of everything you can? That not-giving-up determination? The way you look at your health and do everything in your power to multiply your chances for the sake of that child you're constantly dreaming of? The daily prayers for that child you've imagined a million times? The way you look at your choices and contemplate whether it's in the best interest of your health and a future baby? That burning desire from a place deeper than you can describe? All of those times? They prove you are a mother. One of the biggest parts of being a mother is being willing to put that child first and do what's best for him or her even when it's beyond hard. Even when it's scary. Or painful. Or takes huge surmounting courage. It's sacrificing what you want for what they need. Did you realize, every time you refused to give up? Or willingly let your muscles burn for days while working on weight loss in hopes that it may improve your fertility chances? Or risked accepting another "no" for the month, knowing it may be salt in the wound again, but facing it head-on with a new wave of courage? You were sacrificing for the betterment of that hoped for child. Were you not? You were putting that baby first. You were being courageous for that little one. You were being a mother.
But you know what else? Every time you read your scriptures. Or said your prayers. Or looked to eternity with hope and faith. And prayed for strength to endure. Every time you worked to develop a new skill that would bless your home and family. Or break a bad habit that was holding you back. Or created a beautiful and sacred pattern of righteousness in your life. Or told yourself the reconfirming truth that you ARE a DAUGHTER of a Heavenly Father that loves you with every once of His being. Every time you worked to be the best person you could be to bless the lives of your family, here and for eternity, I have to believe YOU were being a mother. A wonderful one. This earthly life is not the end. And even if this life leaves you childless, then this life is simply preparing you for an ETERNITY of blessed motherhood. That you have prepared for. And fought for. And worked towards with courage and perseverance. For the sake of yourself and those special little children that you have so longingly hoped for.
So don't give up. Find your own definition of motherhood-- the world shouldn't be allowed to define such a sacred calling, so don't let them. The atonement is not for sins alone; learn to LET it give you wings. And if today you feel mightily forgotten and devastatingly insignificant, remember that you are NOT forgotten. You are NOT alone. And you are never insignificant to our Father in heaven-- the Creator of everything good.
But most of all, remember that your pain is valid. Remember, it's okay if you cry today-- even the best of mothers cries some days.
With love from one mother to another,
Ashley
PS- The future is bright. Remember that.
