The struggle of infertility is close to my heart. (My journey through infertility can be read here.) There is a yearning and aching that is felt deeper than every bone in your body when you're desiring a child, but are left wanting. In our church, motherhood is spoken of as the ultimate life calling. What women are MEANT for. The most blessed and holy calling one can receive from God. An eternal destiny of sorts. So, for those experiencing the yearning of a child that lives only in your heart....no explanation is needed for how Mother's Day can sometimes be almost too much to bear.
I spent multiple years wishing there was some way to avoid church on Mother's Day Sunday. Sitting in a back pew trying to hide the tears filling my eyes. Feeling like my heart was shattering with every word spoken about how God has entrusted women with his children, wondering why he hadn't entrusted ME. Was I not good enough to be entrusted with His child that I wanted so deeply? And sometimes I had to simply walk out because I just couldn't do it.
On occasion people would talk about how EVERY woman, child and childless is a mother. I spent years trying to wrap my head around that concept. Feeling like I just WASN'T getting it. Wanting to believe it for some source of comfort, but never believing it in my heart. And I would be lying if I didn't say I still don't fully comprehend the magnitude of that truth.
Today's letter if for my prior, yearning self-- what I wish I had realized in the midst of it allm.
Sweet Girl,
It's okay to hurt today. And it's even okay if you have to hold yourself together for fear of falling apart and never being able to put yourself back together again. It's OKAY. You're traveling a difficult road that God is leading you down. He knows it's hard. He knows it's painful. He knows it seems unfair. But remember, he's only letting you go down this road because he KNOWS it won't break you for good. So, if today you need to cry, go ahead and cry. He'll hold you while you do.
Now, take a deep breath for this one and just hear me out. Happy Mother's Day. To YOU. Yes, to YOU.
You know that yearning? That constant trying of everything you can? That not-giving-up determination? The way you look at your health and do everything in your power to multiply your chances for the sake of that child you're constantly dreaming of? The daily prayers for that child you've imagined a million times? The way you look at your choices and contemplate whether it's in the best interest of your health and a future baby? That burning desire from a place deeper than you can describe? All of those times? They prove you are a mother. One of the biggest parts of being a mother is being willing to put that child first and do what's best for him or her even when it's beyond hard. Even when it's scary. Or painful. Or takes huge surmounting courage. It's sacrificing what you want for what they need. Did you realize, every time you refused to give up? Or willingly let your muscles burn for days while working on weight loss in hopes that it may improve your fertility chances? Or risked accepting another "no" for the month, knowing it may be salt in the wound again, but facing it head-on with a new wave of courage? You were sacrificing for the betterment of that hoped for child. Were you not? You were putting that baby first. You were being courageous for that little one. You were being a mother.
But you know what else? Every time you read your scriptures. Or said your prayers. Or looked to eternity with hope and faith. And prayed for strength to endure. Every time you worked to develop a new skill that would bless your home and family. Or break a bad habit that was holding you back. Or created a beautiful and sacred pattern of righteousness in your life. Or told yourself the reconfirming truth that you ARE a DAUGHTER of a Heavenly Father that loves you with every once of His being. Every time you worked to be the best person you could be to bless the lives of your family, here and for eternity, I have to believe YOU were being a mother. A wonderful one. This earthly life is not the end. And even if this life leaves you childless, then this life is simply preparing you for an ETERNITY of blessed motherhood. That you have prepared for. And fought for. And worked towards with courage and perseverance. For the sake of yourself and those special little children that you have so longingly hoped for.
So don't give up. Find your own definition of motherhood-- the world shouldn't be allowed to define such a sacred calling, so don't let them. The atonement is not for sins alone; learn to LET it give you wings. And if today you feel mightily forgotten and devastatingly insignificant, remember that you are NOT forgotten. You are NOT alone. And you are never insignificant to our Father in heaven-- the Creator of everything good.
But most of all, remember that your pain is valid. Remember, it's okay if you cry today-- even the best of mothers cries some days.
With love from one mother to another,
Ashley
PS- The future is bright. Remember that.
Friday, March 25, 2016
This last week has been one of reflection. It's been one of joy and sadness. Gratitude and humility. Reflection on a gift ever timeless and too precious for words...
As I've reflected on the events of this Holy Week-- the teachings of the Savior given in the last days of his life. A betrayal of a friend. His prayer in Gethsemane and his pleadings for some relief. Any relief. The mocking and injustice he endured. His crucifixion on the cross and the way the earth mourned for the death of such a righteous man. And finally, his resurrection and the empty tomb. My words have been silenced into humbled awes.
Over the last few years, I've gained a deeper appreciation and understanding of the atonement in my life. (But isn't that what is supposed to happen?) What I once thought was my deepest pain and trial at one time, I've come to understand as one of my greatest blessing from heaven. As I reflect on the blessings I've gained from the atonement in my life, the pains of that time are fresh in my mind.
As I have contemplated the Savior's prayer in Gethsemane-- Feeling utterly alone. Feeling a pain He, himself, was unsure he could endure. Pleading for any source of repose, any type of peace or aid from above. I remember the many days and numberless prayers I spent with a pain in my soul that I had no words for. Pleading for anything. Any source of comfort. Any glimpse of hope. Pleading to not feel so alone in my season. Pleading for anything. Literally anything.
And as I have contemplated the excruciating pain that I so often felt I couldn't endure one more moment...and the strength and the easing of pain that so often fell over me when I couldn't mutter anything through my tears but "please,....make it stop....". The comfort in knowing that because of what my Savior suffered, in anguish and entirely alone...I never, not once, was left entirely alone. That because of his understanding of MY pains, he knew how to help me get through them...overcome them...not be destroyed by those pains that I couldn't fight on my own... That because of his sufferings in Gethsemane he knew how to comfort my soul in the way I needed it most. Because of His sufferings in the garden, in my time of need, he cries with me when I cry, he smiles with me when I smile. He loved me that night in Gethsemane when he felt all my pains and all my sorrows. And he loves me still.
The atonement is far more than a way to gain forgiveness for the bad choices we may make. It is there for our pains. Our trials. Our weaknesses. Our imperfections. Our sorrows. Our joys. Our triumphs. Our hope of an ever bright future. In essence, the atonement is love. Such an act of love is enough. Enough to heal our hearts. Enough to push us farther; drive us to keep on going, to be something better than we are.
This Easter season,
As He was betrayed by someone he loved...by one of the people closest to him in his life...
As he knelt in the garden of Gethsemane...seeing every face...feeling every pain...every emotion...
As he carried his own heavy cross after so much torment and physical trying....
That as he hung on the cross and forgave the very people around him that had caused him even more pain...As he took upon himself their pains too....
As he was reverently laid in that humble tomb by those that loved him and by those whose hearts were hurting for his passing...
As he was resurrected and rose from that tomb without any grand affairs...silently and sacredly...
As he visited the throngs of people who loved him still...and let them touch the scars...how these people he loved so much were now "engraven upon the palms of His hands".....
I am ever so grateful for my Saviors personal love for me. For his willingness and suffering...because while I feel a pain in my heart for His suffering for ME....for the pains I caused Him as he knelt pleading for relief from our Father above....I needed it....I need it every day. That because of Him...because of the Atonement...because of his suffering and humility...because He overcame death and rose the third day...I am blessed. With blessings I can't even fully appreciate yet. And I am thankful.
Growth. Struggles. Tears. Trials that rip at your heart. Turned into peace. Contentment. Faith. Love for the Savior.
Infertility.
I've thought about this vulnerable post for what feels like an eternity. It's never been a journey that I've openly shared with others. It's painful and emotional. And for someone that likes to keep emotions to themselves, sharing those emotions can become unthinkable.
Infertility is a curious thing. It has the ability to consume your mind and soul. It has the sneakiest way of robbing you of hope and leaving you with only self-blame and emptiness. And in this experience when you feel so alone, you often feel like silence is your only option. Such private emotions are hard to swallow, but I now realize how selfish I would be to keep it all locked privately in my heart. Afterall, how do you put such painful emotions into such reverence that they ultimately deserve?
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From what I hear, pregnancy often comes pretty easy for most. Heck, lots of people even find themselves "accidentally" pregnant..! When hubby and I decided we were ready for kids, I gleefully imagined a few months ahead and how we'd "break the news". Fast forward a few months, and there was no news to be broken. I hadn't ovulated, either. A bummer for sure, I thought, but maybe getting pregnant wasn't as easy as everyone really says. Give it time.
Deep down, I knew something was off. However, we had recently crossed a stressful bridge in life and turned our lives upside down, so I pushed away that "off" feeling to the stress we were currently experiencing. Time went on-- no pregnancy and no ovulation. No, not once. I was sad. That baby we had hoped for so deeply just kept seeming farther and farther away. But with time, I thought. Month after month and emotions started to take their toll.
A year had come and gone. I gained weight. Lots of it. Emotions, stress, and hormones combined, I seemed to gain it quickly. We started searching for answers, but still no sign of baby and I got really depressed. My body was broken. Its what was sitting like a gigantic rock between where we were and where we were wanting to be. Why? What was I doing wrong? To see my husband's eyes light up when he smiled at the little kids and to known I couldn't give that to him-- to not know if I'd ever be able to give that to him...hurt. He was kind and never seemed to see it that way. That didn't prevent the self-blame from becoming my relationship with myself, though. Thank goodness for husbands that see us more clearly than we see ourselves sometimes. The Lord truly knew me when he gave me my husband.
After spending uncountable occasions pleading in tears to the Lord, wondering if something so special as having children of our own was ever going to be in our cards and not thinking I could take the emotional journey one more moment, I was left wondering why this path was ours. I spent much time searching my heart for what lesson I was supposed to be learning, in hopes that me learning my "lesson" would bring an end to this storm sooner than later.
I pleaded for a miracle, insisting I had the faith, he just needed to grant it.
And finally... I just pleaded.
I came to know in my heart that my body had a reason for not functioning the way it was meant to. That if I could help my body-- give it the TLC it was crying for-- it would do what it was meant to. For this reason, after much prayer, we decided to put off the fertility treatments.
There came a point that I couldn't stand to loathe myself so much anymore. I couldn't stand the blame I felt every day for my "brokenness". I was at an all time low. I've not kept my "health journey" quiet, but it was at this point in my life that I threw myself into fitness and healthier eating. I forced myself to make a personal bargain that if I did everything I could to help my situation, no matter if the outcome changed, I couldn't blame myself for what was happening. I was doing everything I could, and that's as much as you can do. The rest is in the Lord's hands. And one day at a time, that was my life.
I continued to cry, and plead with the Lord when I couldn't emotionally handle the heartbreak anymore. And while, at many times, I didn't feel like my prayer was currently being answered, looking back, I see the contentment I found in the season and the dulling of the pain that slowly came in to my life, and know that it was the Lord answering my prayers.
Two years had come and gone. Two years of no baby, and two years of no ovulating. Though, I had found my new addiction-- fitness. I had lost over 50 pounds and felt the healthiest I could ever remember in my life. And hubby and I were blossoming our love even deeper.
Through the Lord, I did eventually reach the day that I found contentment in my struggle. Painful still, yes, but accepting of my "cards" and understanding that the Lord had my back. I knew that I had obtained growth that I could have only gained through such heart-wrenching pain, and knew I wanted that growth too, just as much as I wanted that child. Yet, I still didn't know what I was supposed to learn, and still knew that we were requiring of a miracle for that child we so desperately yearned for.
December came and as I looked over my bucket list for ideas to incorporate in my New Years resolutions, one stood out. I must have gone through a crazy time, because "go 30 days without sugar" had (at some point) made the cut for that bucket list. I figured it sounded absurdly hard, so sign me up! I was feeling in the mood for a good personal challenge and decided to start on the first of the year. Ultimately, I now know the Lord was just leading me down another road. I cut it all out. I started to have more energy. I started to feel healthier. I was happier. The sugar monster in me started dying. Thirty days came and went without me hardly realizing it. I no longer craved the sugar so much, and decided to keep going. And for the first time in two years, my body was functioning the way it was meant to-- better than it ever had in my whole life. Not just one month, but every month after that! There was no baby, but oh, what a miracle of hope it was.
Fast forward a few months to another tender mercy of the Lord...
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In our church, each of the members of the congregation get the opportunity on occasion to speak on a given topic to the rest of the congregation. A few months back, I was asked to speak on a talk given by a highly respected Elder in our church, entitled "Lord, I Believe". It recalls a beautiful miracle that takes place in the Bible and the imperfect faith that healed that family. The lesson that when we lead with faith, no matter it's size, it is enough. And that hit home. Being honest, with my own life battles on my mind, I found myself left in tears the week leading up to this speaking opportunity, and a new rush of peace and confidence filled my mind.
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And with my own pains so fresh in my heart, this message is what hit home as I studied and taught of the power faith has in the working of beautiful miracles. Through this speaking assignment I could hear the Lord speaking to my soul, recapping the long journey we had traveled for the last 3 years and the lessons I had acquired more personally. It truly was as I exercised my faith that I received emotional healing and was led to physical healing as well. And I understood the lesson I had been learning. It was quite literally the recap to a chapter in my life. It was like all those little miracles and blessings in the rough started glimmering like little flecks of gold. Suddenly I could see so much more clearly the tiny miracles, answers, and tender mercies we had been blessed with IN our trial. I was humbled. And I was grateful.
Just two days after that Sunday had passed, feeling like I had finally understood the lesson the Lord had spent such tender time teaching and implanting in my heart, we received our miracle.
After so many negative tests, it was surreal to see a positive as the test was nonchalantly getting tossed to the trash. After all, the test was just to reassure my mind that it was another "no" and soften the blow of no pregnancy. My hand covered my gaping mouth as my eyes filled with tears. I dropped to the bathroom floor, a whole new set of tears, and cried to the Lord. Humbled. Humbled for even the ray of hope that it was possible. That even if this baby was lost, a baby of our own was indeed possible. I know every baby is truly a miracle, but it seems after fighting so hard and so long for something, when that miracle comes, it's held even more special and sacred in your heart. Our journey of pain and struggle is something I hold close and sacred to my heart. Something I never could have imagined possible at the beginning of this particular road.
This post is not a baby announcement. No, this post is not meant for that. While that may be the outcome of our miracle, and we are so humbled and thrilled by the Lord's tender blessings, and to announce that we are expecting our little miracle, it's the working of the Lord's miracles that's among the most special.
And the vast blessings and love of the Lord in our times of struggle is what this post has always truly been meant for....
I have learned to love myself and love myself with passion. And as inconsequential and temporal as that may seem, it was important to the Lord that I did. We are important to the Lord. As I found myself going through emotions of self-blame for the situation we were in, and feeling powerless to change it, I learned that sometimes you need to stick up for yourself. When you are being your worst enemy, kick that enemy to the curb. And you CAN do that. Even when you feel powerless, you ALWAYS can do something. It may not immediately change the situation, BUT if you are doing all you can do, you CAN NOT blame yourself. YOU are worth fighting for. And the Lord knows it.
I learned to find JOY in my season. We were not created to live a sub-par life, just dredging through our season. We were created to be happy, even in the rough patches. Even in the rain storm, flowers still grow. In fact, without the rain they wouldn't grow. And because of the Lord we really can find joy while traveling through life's deepest trials. There are ALWAYS rays of sunshine in every season. Each season brings it's own unique opportunities. Sometimes the current season is one that seems like it may never end-- one that will torture you excruciatingly before it kills you. One that will leave you so crumbled, you'll never be able to rebuild. But because of the Lord, even the most painful seasons can be made bright. We are never past the help of our Savior.
And finally... I learned you can't give up hope, no matter what you do. The Lord has never left and won't leave you in the storm by yourself. His love is deeper than our comprehension. When we cry, he cries for our pain. When we desperately need to know we're not alone, he wraps his arms around us tighter. The Lord still works miracles. Our faith doesn't have to be huge. It doesn't have to be perfect. When we lead with our faith IT IS ENOUGH. But no matter it's size, faith is powerful. Miracles come in many shapes and sizes-- not always the one we want in the situation, but that doesn't make it any less of a miracle. When we ask the Lord for help, for a miracle, he will answer our prayers in the way that will be best for us and lead us where we need to be. And that IS a miracle. Something as small as knowing what path to take and having the power to take those little steps can be a miracle. As I have struggled, I have received much healing and many quiet miracles in the times I have lead with my faith and not my doubts. Amazing miracles I would have missed out on if it was my own timing I was relying on. Miracles come in the Lord's timing, but his timing is perfect. The Lord has our best interests in mind and will let us travel to situations we can't overcome on our own. So that he can pull us out. He lets us struggle and stays by our side the entire time to help--it's as two people work together that you come to understand the other more fully. Even in the darkest storms, the sunshine is beating down just ahead. No matter what you do, don't despair, and don't give up. You are loved. And you are worth it. Lead with your faith and you will be okay. So many good things are ahead. "It only goes up from here".
"Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come." -Joseph F. Smith
Three years has flown by! It's been a wonderful three years, and I couldn't be happier. This stud is my heart.
We celebrated by taking a belated Disneyland vacation. My favorite part by far was being on a new adventure with the love of my life. My younger siblings were preforming at Disneyland with their choir and didn't know we were showing up. It was a fun little surprise.
My favorite parts of winter is the celebration in the air, the Christmas baking, the outpouring of love, and the bundling up with the man who has my heart.
Christmas treats, ready for delivery and devouring!
Flavored almonds, mint fudge, cranberry white chocolate chip cookies,
Oh gosh, I LOVE MY HUBBY! We may not be perfect, but he sure is perfect for me. :) It makes me giddy to think of all the adventures waiting ahead. He's full of facial expressions and laughs. He's thoughtful and caring. He loves me enough to humor me in all my silly endeavors. He cooks and he cleans for me when I'm having a rough day. He still holds my hand when we drive in the car. And that doesn't even scratch the surface! But, he's a pretty great person!
Before we hit up our "main event" for the evening we found a little sandwich shop off the beaten path. It was filled with airplane paraphernalia and awesome flight photos of a certain individual. We've not confirmed it, but it looked like the owner of the little sandwich shop in his "earlier years"--pretty awesome! And then there was the food! Mercy! It was delish! I love discovering little restaurants!
Then on to the main event!
A little over six months I was OVERJOYED to hear that the Broadway musical, Wicked, was coming to Boise. Immediately, my husband purchased them for me and I've waited excitedly ever since. Til last night! And BOY were they good seats! 😃 I had seen the musical and know the music by heart, but had never seen it live (let alone within the first five rows!).
I'm so excited to see it again. :)
And as though date night wasn't already fun enough!!
"Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ,they come. It will be all right in the end."
"Every one of us has times when we need to know things will get better. My declaration is that that is precisely what the gospel of Jesus Christ offers us, especially in times of need.
"Thirty years ago last month, a little family set out to cross the United States, every earthly possession they owned packed into the smallest trailer available. No money, an old car, they drove exactly 34 miles up the highway, at which point their beleaguered car erupted.
"The young father surveyed the steam, matched it with his own, then left his trusting wife and two innocent children—the youngest just three months old—to wait in the car while he walked the three miles or so to the southern Utah metropolis of Kanarraville, population then, I suppose, 65. Some water was secured at the edge of town, and a very kind citizen offered to drive back to the stranded family. The car was attended to and slowly—very slowly—driven back to St. George for inspection.
"After more than two hours of checking and rechecking, no immediate problem could be detected, so once again the journey was begun. In exactly the same amount of elapsed time at exactly the same location on that highway with exactly the same pyrotechnics from under that hood, the car exploded again. Now feeling more foolish than angry, the chagrined young father once more left his trusting loved ones and started the long walk for help once again. This time the man providing the water said, “Either you or that fellow who looks just like you ought to get a new radiator for that car.” He didn't know whether to laugh or to cry at the plight of this young family.
“How far have you come?” he said. “Thirty-four miles,” I answered. “How much farther do you have to go?” “Twenty-six hundred miles,” I said. “Well, you might make that trip, and your wife and those two little kiddies might make that trip, but none of you are going to make that trip in that car.” He proved to be prophetic on all counts.
"Just two weeks ago, I drove by that exact spot. For just an instant I thought perhaps I saw on that side road an old car with a devoted young wife and two little children. Just ahead of them I imagined that I saw a young fellow walking toward Kanarraville, the weight of a young father’s fear evident in his pace.
"In that imaginary instant, I couldn't help calling out to him: “Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead.” Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ,they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."
With all the kids on spring break a few of us decided to get together and make authentic tamales! (Thanks to a wonderful friend who grew up making authentic tamales with her mother!) No worries! I took extra detailed notes. ;)
Wow! Two years already! It feels just like yesterday.
As an early anniversary celebration we headed into Boise for a fun dinner date! We hit up P.F. Chang’s for some delicious food.
After we got married, we stayed in Boise’s Anniversary Inn. Ever since, it’s been a tradition. A nice little getaway from everyday life. (The hubby loves their complimentary pens and insists that they’re the best around…so, of course we couldn’t leave without another one!)
The next morning Cody was kind enough to take me to Janjou Pâtisserie, one of those “hidden treasures” in your own town. You know the kind, right? Well, Janjou Pâtisserie is a little French Pastry Shop right in the nooks of downtown Boise. OH MYGOSH. To DIE for. I got some perfect, handmade macaroons, and they were incredible! So flawless and delicious. We also got a delicious pastry called a Grenobleoise. It had a delicious almond butter crust with a PERFECTLY SMOOTH and delicious caramel and a gorgeous chocolate Ganache. It was not only delectable but it was pure art. YUM!
I’m not sure where it started. Or when I first imagined this scenario…BUT, a reminder that it is ENTIRELY my imaginings and personal thoughts...
My Heavenly Father is very real. And the relationship between him and his children is a very real relationship. Being a perfect being, he must be a perfect father. In perfect father-child relationships fathers sometimes sit with their children and have personal, unguarded conversations. Especially prior to huge, pertinent, life-changing events.
I’ve always imagined that before we came to earth we sat down with our Heavenly Father and talked about what kinds of things we would experience. What we wanted to accomplish maybe. Possibly things we wanted to learn. What OUR hopes were for this earthly experience. Maybe a pep talk and words of encouragement before we left. Of course, being our all-knowing father, he knew what we would experience and the choices we would make. He knew what the earthly experience held in store and also the trials that we would experience.
Everything I’ve learned about trials has taught me that trials are necessary to teach us and stretch us to be better and more than we already are. Without trials during our earthly experience we COULD NOT return to live with our Father in heaven—we wouldn’t have the growth and experience that we needed.
(Now, back to the imaginings…)
I imagine that while I was sitting with my Heavenly Father he told me what to expect. How hard it would be. Some of the trials I would experience. After all, once I came to earth I wouldn’t remember those things anyway. But, having choice and accountability, I believe, to some extent, that I had the option to choose whether or not I would experience the trials that I do. I imagine that after he asked me about my hopes for my “new life” and my expectations of coming to earth he explained to me how necessary my trials would be—how they were important and what I needed in order to prepare me for exaltation. But I imagine a Heavenly Father that then proceeded to ask ME what trials I thought I needed, what I was WILLING to go through.
Now, think about that….what trials do you think you need? What trials would you be WILLING to go through?
Well…knowing myself…I would think about it for a minute..but I also know that my Father knows so much more than I do—that he ultimately knew what I needed. He had answers that I didn’t have, even at that point in time. I could request small, painless trials but I knew, even then, that small trials would not make me grow if they weren’t enough to hurt. I would turn to him and quietly ask, “Well…what do you suggest? What do YOU think I need in order to grow the most?” And at that point, I imagine he smiled with tears in his eyes (because even then I was passing a test..) and told me of the trials that he felt would help me grow the most. And I knew they would hurt, but I knew that HE knew what I needed. He told me of the trials I’m going through now. The ones I’ve overcome. The ones I have yet to discover. But that it would be OKAY. That the blessings that would come from such pain and heartache would make it all worth it. And I imagine after telling me this he asked if I was ready. If I was willing to accept those trials in this earthly life. And I said yes.
And even though these are just ideas from my own imagination, they hold bits of truth that we know (from church doctrine and leaders) is true. Truth that our father KNEW what trials we would experience. Truth that we always have some sort of choice because He has given us choice and accountability. That he is a PERFECT father. That he loves us entirely. That I CHOSE to come to this earth and face trials that my Heavenly Father knew would make me grow the most. And I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but that if I push through my trials I will reach the blessings that will make it ALL WORTH IT. And knowing those truths make it easier to push just one more day through my trials with a ray of hope.
"When... difficult days (and nights!) come--and they will--it will help us to remember that 'it must needs be,' that in the grand councils of heaven before the world was, we agreed to such a time of challenge and refinement."
Couponing is one of my favorite things. It's just a huge game to me! It gives me the ability to find these deals for fun things that we normally wouldn't be able to afford but can afford because they're a little bit cheaper. Or free items! That's my favorite! And because of it, we've been able to build up a small food storage. Maybe that's part of the reason I enjoy it so much. It allows me to do things (decorate my home, keep a small food storage, start a small savings, create special memories, etc) that I normally wouldn't be able to afford to do because of my small budget. But when I coupon I can afford to do some of those things. With the money that I save I can store it away for a rainy day, use it towards gifts for birthdays/weddings/Christmas/etc, or use it to do other fun things. For me, it makes it all worth it when we run out of a tube of toothpaste and I can walk into the pantry and pull out a brand new tube of toothpaste and there's no stress, nothing urgent, it's just so...pleasant! Or when we're sitting at a concert/movie/show and know that it's okay, we can afford it, because we got within our budget. And when financial situations come up and money is a little tighter, knowing that we will have food on our table and hygiene items in our bathroom just gives me one less thing to worry about!
You know those opportunities you get once every blue moon that scare the daylights out of you and make you feel inadequate, but build you up even higher in the end? And that is EXACTLY what it was.
It was a Thursday afternoon that I got the phone call asking if I would play the organ for a special women's fireside with Janice Kapp Perry.
(If this name is unfamiliar, Janice Kapp Perry is one of the largest, most familiar names in LDS music. WOAH!)
Keep in mind, the organ is a foreign instrument to me. It has so many buttons, keys, and pedals that I don't even understand! I've been the ward organist (in different wards) for the last 5 years. However, all of it has been "learning on the job". A.K.A, I only know what I've figured out on the "job"!
Long story short, I played a TON of prelude. Before the fireside, Brother and Sister Perry came to set up their electronics they were using during their presentations. They forgot a specific recording and so Sister Perry asked me to accompany her on one of her songs she was going to sing! (Eeek!! :D )
But playing for a musical genius that's composed SO many beautiful, inspiring songs, on an instrument that you feel unqualified to be playing is nothing short of intimidating and discouraging. But it was wonderful! After the meeting, Sister Janice Kapp Perry came over and gave me a loving pat on the back and told me that it was wonderful. That she was thoroughly impressed and that I had played the organ so well.
Moral of the story: Sometimes an opportunity will come along, whether you feel ready or not. AND if you have done all you can do, and learned all you could learn, those opportunities will be building and spectacular. I learned that you don't have to be perfect. If you want to be better, be better on your own. Do it yourself. No one else HAS to walk you through it (though it's certainly helpful sometimes). Start with what you do know and add on to it. And you will be surprised just how far you will get.
And it took a marvelous, beautiful stranger to overlook the mistakes and imperfections to help me realize that it's OK to be proud of just how far I've made it so far!
Another year came and went. But it didn't leave without some fun celebration! We had a fondue evening with cheese fondue, hot oil fondue, and a tomato sauce fondue. Yum! Even Skyler bear got in on the action.
Even "handsome" Rio got a birthday hat! (He looks anything but thrilled, doesn't he? Haha...)
My dad ordered some special cupcakes for my birthday. All of which were ADORABLE! And delicious!
And last but not least, my hubby bought me a pair of flats that I absolutely fell in love with! I love the style and the color as well as their simplicity. :) They are so me!
