Not a Pregnancy Announcement

Growth. Struggles. Tears. Trials that rip at your heart. Turned into peace. Contentment. Faith. Love for the Savior.

Infertility.

I've thought about this vulnerable post for what feels like an eternity. It's never been a journey that I've openly shared with others. It's painful and emotional. And for someone that likes to keep emotions to themselves, sharing those emotions can become unthinkable. 

Infertility is a curious thing. It has the ability to consume your mind and soul. It has the sneakiest way of robbing you of hope and leaving you with only self-blame and emptiness. And in this experience when you feel so alone, you often feel like silence is your only option. Such private emotions are hard to swallow, but I now realize how selfish I would be to keep it all locked privately in my heart. Afterall, how do you put such painful emotions into such reverence that they ultimately deserve? 

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From what I hear, pregnancy often comes  pretty easy for most. Heck, lots of people even find themselves "accidentally" pregnant..!  When hubby and I decided we were ready for kids, I gleefully imagined a few months ahead and how we'd "break the news".  Fast forward a few months, and there was no news to be broken. I hadn't ovulated, either. A bummer for sure, I thought, but maybe getting pregnant wasn't as easy as everyone really says. Give it time. 

Deep down, I knew something was off. However, we had recently crossed a stressful bridge in life and turned our lives upside down, so I pushed away that "off" feeling to the stress we were currently experiencing. Time went on-- no pregnancy and no ovulation. No, not once. I was sad. That baby we had hoped for so deeply just kept seeming farther and farther away. But with time, I thought. Month after month and emotions started to take their toll. 

A year had come and gone. I gained weight. Lots of it. Emotions, stress, and hormones combined, I seemed to gain it quickly. We started searching for answers, but still no sign of baby and I got really depressed. My body was broken. Its what was sitting like a gigantic rock between where we were and where we were wanting to be. Why? What was I doing wrong? To see my husband's eyes light up when he smiled at the little kids and to known I couldn't give that to him-- to not know if I'd ever be able to give that to him...hurt. He was kind and never seemed to see it that way. That didn't prevent the self-blame from becoming  my relationship with myself, though. Thank goodness for husbands that see us more clearly than we see ourselves sometimes. The Lord truly knew me when he gave me my husband.

After spending uncountable occasions pleading in tears to the Lord, wondering if something so special as having children of our own was ever going to be in our cards and not thinking I could take the emotional journey one more moment, I was left wondering why this path was ours. I spent much time searching my heart for what lesson I was supposed to be learning, in hopes that me learning my "lesson" would bring an end to this storm sooner than later. 

I pleaded for a miracle, insisting I had the faith, he just needed to grant it. 

And finally... I just pleaded. 

I came to know in my heart that my body had a reason for not functioning the way it was meant to. That if I could help my body-- give it the TLC it was crying for-- it would do what it was meant to. For this reason, after much prayer, we decided to put off the fertility treatments. 

There came a point that I couldn't stand to loathe myself so much anymore. I couldn't stand the blame I felt every day for my "brokenness". I was at an all time low. I've not kept my "health journey" quiet, but it was at this point in my life that I threw myself into fitness and healthier eating. I forced myself to make a personal bargain that if I did everything I could to help my situation, no matter if the outcome changed, I couldn't blame myself for what was happening. I was doing everything I could, and that's as much as you can do. The rest is in the Lord's hands. And one day at a time, that was my life. 

I continued to cry, and plead with the Lord when I couldn't emotionally handle the heartbreak anymore. And while, at many times, I didn't feel like my prayer was currently being answered, looking back, I see the contentment I found in the season and the dulling of the pain that slowly came in to my life, and know that it was the Lord answering my prayers.  

Two years had come and gone. Two years of no baby, and two years of no ovulating. Though, I had found my new addiction-- fitness. I had lost over 50 pounds and felt the healthiest I could ever remember in my life. And hubby and I were blossoming our love even deeper.  

Through the Lord, I did eventually reach the day that I found contentment in my struggle. Painful still, yes, but accepting of my "cards" and understanding that the Lord had my back.  I knew that I had obtained growth that I could have only gained through such heart-wrenching pain, and knew I wanted that growth too, just as much as I wanted that child. Yet, I still didn't know what I was supposed to learn, and still knew that we were requiring of a miracle for that child we so desperately yearned for. 

December came and as I looked over my bucket list for ideas to incorporate in my New Years resolutions, one stood out. I must have gone through a crazy time, because "go 30 days without sugar" had (at some point) made the cut for that bucket list. I figured it sounded absurdly hard, so sign me up! I was feeling in the mood for a good personal challenge and decided to start on the first of the year. Ultimately, I now know the Lord was just leading me down another road. I cut it all out. I started to have more energy. I started to feel healthier. I was happier. The sugar monster in me started dying. Thirty days came and went without me hardly realizing it. I no longer craved the sugar so much, and decided to keep going. And for the first time in two years, my body was functioning the way it was meant to-- better than it ever had in my whole life. Not just one month, but every month after that! There was no baby, but oh, what a miracle of hope it was. 

Fast forward a few months to another tender mercy of the Lord...

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In our church, each of the members of the congregation get the opportunity on occasion to speak on a given topic to the rest of the congregation. A few months back, I was asked to speak on a talk given by a highly respected Elder in our church, entitled "Lord, I Believe".  It recalls a beautiful miracle that takes place in the Bible and the imperfect faith that healed that family. The lesson that when we lead with faith, no matter it's size, it is enough. And that hit home. Being honest, with my own life battles on my mind, I found myself left in tears the week leading up to this speaking opportunity, and a new rush of peace and confidence filled my mind.

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And with my own pains so fresh in my heart, this message is what hit home as I studied and taught of the power faith has in the working of beautiful miracles. Through this speaking assignment I could hear the Lord speaking to my soul, recapping the long journey we had traveled for the last 3 years and the lessons I had acquired more personally. It truly was as I exercised my faith that I received emotional healing and was led to physical healing as well. And I understood the lesson I had been learning. It was quite literally the recap to a chapter in my life. It was like all those little miracles and blessings in the rough started glimmering like little flecks of gold. Suddenly I could see so much more clearly the tiny miracles, answers, and tender mercies we had been blessed with IN our trial. I was humbled. And I was grateful. 

Just two days after that Sunday had passed, feeling like I had finally understood the lesson the Lord had spent such tender time teaching and implanting in my heart, we received our miracle.  

After so many negative tests, it was surreal to see a positive as the test was nonchalantly getting tossed to the trash. After all, the test was just to reassure my mind that it was another "no" and soften the blow of no pregnancy. My hand covered my gaping mouth as my eyes filled with tears. I dropped to the bathroom floor, a whole new set of tears, and cried to the Lord. Humbled. Humbled for even the ray of hope that it was possible. That even if this baby was lost, a baby of our own was indeed possible. I know every baby is truly a miracle, but it seems after fighting so hard and so long for something, when that miracle comes, it's held even more special and sacred in your heart. Our journey of pain and struggle is something I hold close and sacred to my heart. Something I never could have imagined possible at the beginning of this particular road. 

This post is not a baby announcement. No, this post is not meant for that. While that may be the outcome of our miracle, and we are so humbled and thrilled by the Lord's tender blessings, and to announce that we are expecting our little miracle, it's the working of the Lord's miracles that's among the most special. 

And the vast blessings and love of the Lord in our times of struggle is what this post has always truly been meant for.... 

I have learned to love myself and love myself with passion. And as inconsequential and temporal as that may seem, it was important to the Lord that I did. We are important to the Lord. As I found myself going through emotions of self-blame for the situation we were in, and feeling powerless to change it, I learned that sometimes you need to stick up for yourself. When you are being your worst enemy, kick that enemy to the curb. And you CAN do that. Even when you feel powerless, you ALWAYS can do something. It may not immediately change the situation, BUT if you are doing all you can do, you CAN NOT blame yourself. YOU are worth fighting for. And the Lord knows it. 

I learned to find JOY in my season. We were not created to live a sub-par life, just dredging through our season. We were created to be happy, even in the rough patches. Even in the rain storm, flowers still grow. In fact, without the rain they wouldn't grow. And because of the Lord we really can find joy while traveling through life's deepest trials. There are ALWAYS rays of sunshine in every season. Each season brings it's own unique opportunities. Sometimes the current season is one that seems like it may never end-- one that will torture you excruciatingly before it kills you. One that will leave you so crumbled, you'll never be able to rebuild. But because of the Lord, even the most painful seasons can be made bright. We are never past the help of our Savior. 

And finally... I learned you can't give up hope, no matter what you do. The Lord has never left and won't leave you in the storm by yourself. His love is deeper than our comprehension. When we cry, he cries for our pain. When we desperately need to know we're not alone, he wraps his arms around us tighter. The Lord still works miracles. Our faith doesn't have to be huge. It doesn't have to be perfect. When we lead with our faith IT IS ENOUGH. But no matter it's size, faith is powerful. Miracles come in many shapes and sizes-- not always the one we want in the situation, but that doesn't make it any less of a miracle. When we ask the Lord for help, for a miracle, he will answer our prayers in the way that will be best for us and lead us where we need to be. And that IS a miracle. Something as small as knowing what path to take and having the power to take those little steps can be a miracle. As I have struggled, I have received much healing and many quiet miracles in the times I have lead with my faith and not my doubts. Amazing miracles I would have missed out on if it was my own timing I was relying on. Miracles come in the Lord's timing, but his timing is perfect. The Lord has our best interests in mind and will let us travel to situations we can't overcome on our own. So that he can pull us out. He lets us struggle and stays by our side the entire time to help--it's as two people work together that you come to understand the other more fully. Even in the darkest storms, the sunshine is beating down just ahead. No matter what you do, don't despair, and don't give up. You are loved. And you are worth it. Lead with your faith and you will be okay. So many good things are ahead. "It only goes up from here". 

"Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come." -Joseph F. Smith